Yowza..
Am I really going to make my journal public? Just how open am I planning to be on here.. Complete honesty would most likely eliminate all chance at holding public office someday. Ha! Ah, well. An ex of mine used to accuse me of arguing like a politician and I don't think it was meant to be a compliment so it's probably for the best. I guess I'm starting this blog mostly as a journal of healing from a fair bit of damage done to my body, mind and spirit over the last...well..lifetime. That being said, my story is not unique, I know, and there are millions out there that have had a much harder time of things in this crazy cabaret that is Life. This is not meant to be a self-indulgent, 'woe-is-me' type of blog but one of self-reflection and growth. In fact, I'm not really sure if I want anyone to read it at all...but we'll see..
I've been a sporadic journal writer for most of my life, but consistency has never been a strong suit and I thought that giving myself a countdown ( a la Julie/Julia) might help me actually complete something for once. My life has been building/spiraling (positive vs negative adjective depends on the day) for quite some time now and recent events sent me into a self-destructive flatspin for a while..but, like Maverick, I'm taking control and pulling out of it this time.
The reason I have chosen the mountain background for right now is that I feel as if I'm standing at the bottom of an ENORMOUS one.. I've had a few couselors over the years and they've usually supplied the ubiquitous cliche "One step at a time". Well, I've tried that approach. Didn't work. This time I'm going to try for a complete 180. Change all the stuff I don't want and add the stuff I do...ALL AT ONCE! No, not in a single day... that's impossible. I'm spending the next two days coming up with a 'master plan' (insert evil laugh here). Through this plan I will reconcile the wrongs of my past, live and love the present (including the present 'Me'), and plan to create the future that I want. Hopefully I can figure out what that is exactly along the way..
I'm giving the 'Plan' six months, a fairly ambitious goal for a total life overhaul. I'll probably be sharing a lot about food, music, art and other media (some of my passions) as I use them for a sort of home-made therapy. I'll be learning to meditate, doing a lot of yoga and hopefully getting addicted to being fit. I guess this blog is really about learning to love myself and finding my way out of the darkness. About being the change i want to see in the world (-Ghandi). About finding my way back to wholeness while having fun..oh, and working too of course. If I was rich enough to take six months off I'd be at an ashram in India right now... instead of juggling bills.
So, like the sticker proclaims: I'm sometimes mad (angry, crazy..) and I'm decent (good, moral, cool..) and a lot of other things too.. but I lost my way for a while and am ready to wake up now..
actually, I'm probably just like you. :)
Peace and love, L
